Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Growing out my freckles.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Spell check is for lasers.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*