Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
You Might Also Like
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If you breakdance you buy dance.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.