co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.