me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.