Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.