Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I hope they boil the right one.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.