So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
S O O N
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When you’re here for the treats.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.