“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
You Might Also Like
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.