People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
You Might Also Like
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.