The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.