Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“You’d better run, egg!”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago