I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
seems fine
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Yoga Matt
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream