Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,