10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row