All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You Might Also Like
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.