[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
fourth time’s the charm
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Which wines pair best with gloating?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?