Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Phones down.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?