bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?