I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I am yelling
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.