Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Owl Sanctuary
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!