Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.