Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no