My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Good morning, Twitter x
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.