12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I have so many questions.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.