OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.