I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm