BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.