explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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Only you can prevent podcasts
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
and now we wait
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them