Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Oh hi, you’re home early”