me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
LOL
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery