Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?