Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep