You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.