Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)