If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker