“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You Might Also Like
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*