Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
This hospital has everything
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.