Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
181.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?