My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.