Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
What number SPF blocks people?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.