My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You Might Also Like
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.