Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Someone just threatened to call me later
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.