a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.