My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You Might Also Like
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
True statement👍😏😁