If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
🤣😂🤣
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks