If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.