When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.