My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.