Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No