My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Sunday
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
ACED my prostate exam!
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs